i'm addicted to the F word and the truth...

i dont wanna be me anymore. i pretty much hte everything that has to do with every aspect of my life.
my two best girl friends dont understand me and never will.
my two best guy friends have both confessed their love for me. one... a month ago and doesnt really seem to be my friend anymore seeing as he has kinda erased me from his life. and my other best guy friend who happens to be my absolute best friend i love him more than anyone cofessed it tonight. i love him as like my brother. i feel like an awful person because i dont feel the same way. if i could force it i would.
apparently everyone thinks im a filthy slut too... which is lovely. i got druunk and had ten minute sex with this boy who i actually did like in a bathroom. obviously everyone found out. obviously everyone thinks that im a filthy skank. ive been with 3 people. how is that skanky? the first was my longest relationship to date and i was madly in love with him. the second is someone who i was with for 8 months stopped seeing and now im with again. and the 3rd is that boy in the bathroom. guys do it all the time but im some nasty whore. wow. we all get drunk and make mistakes. i didnt realize that that would taint the worlds veiw of me. fuck my life since im so horrid.
im in love with the boy im with now. i doubt he feels the same. i would never tell him. he sleeps around. hes probably using me. i hold out for him to change and feel the same. hes completely bad for me and hes probably like poison and i love him just the same just for who he is no matter how bad him being him hurts me.
im just too damn forgiving.
the one time that im not forgiving im an asshole. my ex wants me back. i cant do it. i cant trust him with my heart. even though im trusting someone completely non deserving of it. he hurt me soo many times soo badly and i ran back to him everytime. i finally learn my lesson and suprise suprise im an asshole.
theres just too fucking much going on for me to handle. ive been through things that noone should ever have to bear. i have memories that give me nightmares. at least once a week i wake up having a panic attack.
lemme tell you about raymond. raymond had an awful temper. raymond was 20 i was 16. raymond used to get mad when i would cry. he would "give me a reason to cry." i used to have to tell people i walked into doors, fell down the stairs, no i dont have a black eye it must just be smudged makeup or im too tired. no raymond is not the ex who wants me back fyi... he knows not to come within a mile of me. i have a lot of "older brothers" who dont take too well to him being in my neighborhood.
why am i telling all of you this? i feel like i have noone to talk to about any of this. noone. this all just sits on my shoulders weighing me down and ive been so strong for so long and im about to break. i feel like im going to shatter into a million pieces and noone is going to be able to put me back together again.
why do people keep putting so much shit on my plate. why cant i just feel my age for once. why cant i just walk around without a heavy heart?
i dont wanna be me anymore.

A wise girl kisses, but doesn't love.
Listens, but doesn't believe...
and leaves before she is left.

I used to be such a smart girl. I got lost somewhere along the way.

add my myspace :]

www.myspace.com/shitheadiscalling

xo

does anyone else have theirs done? i got mine a few days ago and i feel like there might be somethin wrong with it... i need opinions!

i hate myself.

why wasnt i smarter?

i cant believe i let myself get used.

im looking for permanent teal hair dye! im putting a little bit in my hair and redying my hair black as it is no longer black anymore! but wah! i cant find anything permanent teal! all i can find is the stuff they have at hottopic and i hate hate putting bleach in my hair but i think i might have to, unless anyone knows where to find permanent teal! bah, lemme know. i wanna do my hair soon. im redoin the black probably tommorow night!

this is the top group on the home page :)

yay lps!!

ugh this is the 2nd time im writing this blog! my comp keeps hating on me! well actually i think it might be the internet but whatever...

i got my monroe! very exciting! erin got her lip looks amazing obv. the only bad part is that ive notice people lookin at me like im weird like theyre better than me. not my fault some people dont know how to express themselves! gah i dont care. my parents havent seen yet but i told her on the phone. she didnt seem too pissed itll be fine cuz piercings arent even permanent! i found a pic online of the ladywith the most piercings in the world just in case they get upset so i can show them im not that bad could be worse! wah not a big deal at all!

im sad my sister moved to ny this morning! wahwahwah! she abandoned me in dumb boring quincy to go to super awesome exciting ny!! no fair! it sucks i didnt get to go and everyone else did i couldnt get work off. me and erin get to take trips to ny now though so its all good!

so have you guys added lipstick prophets yet? i sure hope so! exciting presale starts tommorow! check out the new collection!
www.lipstickprophets.com
and add them as a friend for myspace!
www.myspace.com/lipstickprophets

will you guys buzz my stuff if you look at it plleeaassee?? cuz it tells me how many veiws i have but then i have no buzz or comments :'( so do it up lovers!

also if your the proud owner of a myspace add Lipstick Prophets!

www.myspace.com/lipstickprophets

thanks!

so pretty much like ass is how im feeling these days. i cant keep the boy by my side and it hurts a ton. im having panic attacks and crying alot. whatever happens i guess. i got to put in my 2 weeks notice for my lame ass job so i can work a job that is slightly less terrible your lookin at the next coffee break baristaaa. dying my hair black hope it goes well, actually i hope the dying of the eyebrows goes well as i dont want it to leak into my eyes and ill go blind. maybe that wouldnt be too bad tho i dont have to see all the ugly shit of the world and i dont have to look at my royal patheticness either. i hate knowing how shitty i look and having to deal with it i wish that i could just sleep for a month till everything bad goes away on its own. on a better know i think im finally figurin out who i am and me comes complete with dyed hair peircings tattoos skulls rock and roll and a mother fucking potty mouth. deal with it assholes. the past week has been the worst and im sure its not gonna get better i dont wanna deal with anything worse.

 

♥